ONLY GOD CAN FIX THIS

se·clud·ed  

Adjective (of a place) Not seen or visited by many people;

There are days where you ask God to fix things that seem impossible. You dont even feel that they should be fixed sometimes because they  just seem like they are to hard to fix.The bible says Matthew 19:26But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. I need to be fixed and only God can fix me. Like the woman with issue of blood!( Mark 5:25-34) She dealt with her issue for 12 years yet no one who tried to fix her bleeding could stop it. She was cut deep see it was like she had an open wound that just wouldnt heal.  I bet she wanted to go on with her life and just live normally. Yet she couldnt because she had an issue of blood which deemed her as unclean. Just imagine her having to just stay away from people because her issue just wouldnt leave. I bet she wanted to just hug people, or love people, or even get people to stay around. Yet her issue just caused people to leave! She was deemed hopeless and helpless!

A Shattered Mirror

shattered  

Break or cause to break suddenly and violently into pieces. Damage or destroy

No wakes up one day and wishes this would be their life. On many days I envy alot of people because the only reason I can write like I do is because of how broken I am. God's using someone so broken! Yet nothing gets so broken unless it was misused! I was cut deep! Do you see me bleeding? I can write a blog on almost everything. Hi, Im Jasmine the ex prostitute,ex drug addict, ex cutter, ex criminal, ex abuse victim, ex bulimic. Nothing to be really proud of.Im only 23 years old I just want a regular life I wanna get married and have kids but I can't have that not right now because im broken. I have a confession I hide from the world because im afraid to abuse people!  Im afraid to fall in love with someone so I won't abuse them or damage them or  break them because someone broke me. I don't like to hug people because im afraid to hurt someone. Everyone I touch I break. I go to work, I eat I go to my room and I blog. Why is this my life?  Im afraid for people to talk to me and take their advice because it might be wrong and lead me down a wrong road that might break me even more. I dont wanna live like this but im so afraid to be abusive it's not a fun way to live. Im only 23 how is this my life.  I was first child the experiment child i say Jasmine means gift a misused gift. So now alot of the time my actions break people like a repeated cycle. Who would want to have kids only to damage them? Im told all the time im mean I just need to protect myself im afraid for them to break me even more all im trying to do is get fixed.Who protected me from this? No one! Im trying now! I don't need any more damage added to the other millions of pieces. Im already shattered !

I don't want this Issue

I don't want these issues.  I bet that woman didn't want to have the issue of blood!  I ask God all the time like why am I still here I only hurt people! It's easy to blog about my damage, it's easy to have convo with someone about Jesus, it's easy to cook someone a meal, or sit down with someone to help them with something. I want a hug, I wanna family, how can you fix this? This is what I was born into I didn't choose this life.

Judges 11

 Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot: and Gilead begat Jephthah.

² And Gilead's wife bare him sons; and his wife's sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father's house; for thou art the son of a strange woman.³ Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.

Jephthah didn't choose his life either yet he was the son of a harlot. All his family treated him wrong because he was the son of a harlot! So they kicked him out because of who his parent was. It wasn't his fault his mother was the way she was what did he do. I always asked myself the same thing its not my fault my parentS were who they were so why didn't anyone give me a chance? So they pushed  him out and he started to hanging out with people he probably shouldn't of been hanging out with causing some damage  to his own life. It's a cycle!

I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THiS!

I just want my pieces back together so that I can LIVE! I remember this summer yelling up at God look what they did to me how could you let them do this to me. What stinks  is I have to live with the fact that ive done the same to others.I don't know how people live with themselves because on those days I ask God to take my life. I don't want to be an abuser, I dont want to deal with the issues i deal with. They are going away slowly so I can help people. BUT I JUST WANT THEM GONE . Its like a slow poison killing me and im the only one who understands what im struggling with.

I DONT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE!NOT IF IT HURTS PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT!

Pulling Back the Layers

I've never eaten an Artichoke  and I probably never will. Yet I know that in order to get to the fleshly heart that the Artichoke has, you have to pull back all the layers and do some cleaning! Think about God as he told the children of Israel once Jericho once your walls are down destroy everything. Well those layers are everything in which doesn't belong! Trust me if God tells you to get rid of everything then that means get rid of everything. Saul didn't listen to God in 1 Samuel 15 and left what he thought was okay like yet the book of Esther and how Esther needed to save her family is all because Saul didn't get rid of what God told him to get rid of. It's crucial  God is trying to pull all the layers away so that there is nothing left but a good heart. Yet  we must understand that the heart is wicked.

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Thats why it is very important that you trust God with your whole heart and even with who you give your heart to because we can lust over things and people and our heart be in the wrong place.

Spring Cleaning

Ive been throwing everything away recently. Clothes that don't make me, me! Just getting rid of junk. Inside of my life im doing the same I keep telling everyone if its not me I don't want it. I explained in my video the other day I feel if someone was to split me in half all they would find is black tar. I feel like im walking around sick! There is no pill for this, no cleaner for this, no broom, only Jesus can help clean this mess out. Yet with any type of cleaning you have to want to clean and pick up! I WANT IT IM TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS. I FEEL LIKE A HOARDER OF DAMAGE!

People think this is going to be easy. Not so this is far from easy. Sometimes things are caked on, grease build ups, stains that you feel like you scrub and scrub and the won't come clean. I'm kind of glad God has me in a place I am because if i was still in school i'd probably flunk out trying to get healthly like this. It's 23 years of damage! All i want for my birthday is to be healthy to be clean to not be sick anymore! I can't live another day like this! This mess has to go!

You know that place in cleaning where when your done everything looks so good. Everything smells so good. Everything's in the place it needs to be. Everything looks so bright and sparkling. Thats were I want to be with a soft tender gentle heart.