Unworthy Insecurities

in·se·cure  

/ˌinsiˈkyo͝or/

Adjective (of a person) Not confident or assured; uncertain

They could see it like I wore it as clothing she is insecure! It's like I  was standing in a court room on my Insecurities on trial.They are like wolves they prey on the weak! I wonder how they knew ?was it written on my face? Back in the day they could tell because my cleavage was always out. You could tell that I was just looking for attention! Like HEY LOOK AT ME! Yet what about when I changed my life and started wearing clothing that didn't give me the sex appeal yet it seemed like they knew! I mean my clothing didn't cover it up because I was still insecure! How did they know? Was it the way I carried myself? Or when I spoke was it something I said? Was it because I'd do whatever they wanted in fear of losing their relationship? Or was it because I couldn't look them in their faces?  I never really ever felt like I was ever really good enough for anyone, not even good enough for myself. I mean what type of girl avoids relationships and only gets intimate with someone just to avoid love. Someone who believes they are not worthy of it! Someone who doesn't think they are good enough to be loved. That's very insecure because everyone deserves to be loved!How do you plea...on the Charges of Insecurity??? Guilty!!!Guilty as Charged!!!

So where did it all start? People are not born insecure! Just like people are not born murder's, child molesters, drug dealers, ect! They are picked up actions that come with sometype of things that happen in your life. I mean i just didn't wake up one morning and be like I just don't think that anyone will ever love me! Well in sometype of way I had to be unloved! Where did it start! Did anyone ever tell me how beautiful I was? Did they let me know how worth it I was? Or did they do damage and before they realized what they had done it was to late. It had to start young because No 13 year old girl gives her body away to over 33 guys in less than 6months for the heck of it. I mean how did I even know those actions where okay to do? Shouldn't I have been playing with dolls and playing dress up! They saw that I was thirsty for love! Starving for it! Unsure that I deserved it so they knew they could take advantage of it!  I remember them saying If you loved me you would.... do this for me! I mean I needed to be loved because I was unsure that I was loved! Unsure that I could be loved! Unsure that I was worthy!

          

 

Getting to the Root!

Where did it start? How did it start? Who influenced it? Who planted the seed? Who watered it? I think when the seed takes root it gets deeper and deeper. You know when you become the bad child and then nothing you do is ever right? Then it gets to a point where all people ever do is point out your flaws! Then when I finally got to selling myself I mean this is who you all keep telling me I am. They call me a whore so I must be a whore, they call me a bad kid I must be a bad kid, they are always pointing out my imperfections so there must be nothing good really about me! I never understood why I had to get in trouble for things I was taught? You reap what you sow right so why am I introuble for what you planted in me?  People always think that just alittle bit of correcting their mistake is going to make up for the damage that is already deep in there. Like now im beautiful when you been telling me im fat for so long? In my mind im already bad, fat, ugly, unwanted, unloved? I mean how many more people gotta walk out my life? Now that im older and the damage is done now you want me fix this? Now it's my problem? How do you live like this? JAsmine means gift from God but I wasnt a gift i was more like a piece of junk left in the corner to play kick ball with! It's going to take more than a few I love's you's to fix what you have done! I just wanted to be loved why didn't anyone just love me? Not just teach me bad things and then lock me up for your wrong doings and bad teachings?

I remember being locked up when I was younger! I use to write on this piece of paper everything about BOSTON! I LOVED MY CITY! Yet oneday the counselor told me to write out on paper everything I love about myself and how loved I am! WHAT? LOVED? I AM LOVED? THERE ARE THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT ME? PEOPLE LOVE ME? PEOPLE LOVE? NOW THATS FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHA!  Honestly I don't believe people love or that anyone can ever love me! I AM UNLOVABLE, DESTRUCTION IS MY MIDDLE NAME, ANYONE WHO TOUCHES ME LEAVES AND ANYONE WHO LOVES ME GETS HURT! I rather write about the streets because I was just waiting for the streets to take my life so I could be out of my misery!

 Healing My Hardened Heart!

Ezekiel 36:26

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

              

Talk about stony heart my last post was on the hard hearted harlot and boy oh boy have I been pretty hard hearted.  Im just so tired of people telling me they love me knowing where I have came from and won't help me break down my walls. PLEASE HELP! Yet instead people just send you away! That's what people did to me my whole life they sent me away to deal with my issues .Like when I was younger being locked up! I remember the day I sat in the car with the first person who meant alot to me in along time. I asked them to help me and all they said is I can't help you. Please just HELP ME! I mean it's different if I didn't want the help but I wanted it. I wanted to change I wanted to be loved. I begged God! I told God that i'd do anything for someone just to love a girl like me. I want a family of my own but im to hard hearted to even keep anyone around. I MEAN MY MIDDLE NAME IS DISTRUCTION AND IM LIKE ROGUE ON XMEN ANYONE SHE TOUCHS DIES. It's like I was left to face my actions alone AGAIN. How can I fix this if no one helps me. How can it get better if no one loves me past this place? No one's taken the time to do it ever I just need help and no one will help  me. Stop sending me away to figure out my issue but bring me close and love me because I need to be loved. I want to feel like im needed. Even if i push you away tell me your not going anywhere and actually mean it! Show me im worth it. Don't leave me insecure and unsure that I can be loved. 

I have spent the last year with God learning what they forgot to teach me! Watching God love me because they forgot! Watching God stay because they didn't. Watching God be faithful because they weren't. Watching God love me for not just my body but for me a person! I am loved. I know I am loved. JEsus loves me and im confident and sure that he loves me. No matter how broken I am! Jesus loves me this i KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! FOR SURE JESUS LOVES ME! I AM LOVED! I AM LOVED I AM LOVED! I AM LOVED! AND THAT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY STONY HEART TURN SOFT!

I KNOW I AM LOVED!

con·fi·dent  

/ˈkänfidənt/

Adjective Feeling or showing confidence in oneself; self-assured

Hosea 3

3 Then said the Lord unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.

² So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley:
³ And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for another man: so will I also be for thee.

Hosea had to be a really confident man because not just anyone can love someone and watch them cheat on them with almost every man in town then say" Hey look come stay with me and don't be with anyone else but me you're mine I am for you! " Thats love God type of love a love that love's you no matter where you been at the end of the day he's ready to buy you back from the world and love you. Redeem you from this sinful world! Hosea paid the price for his wife a harlot and told her that he would be hers! Look how confident God is with his love! Even when God is not loved he loves a dying, sinful, playing the harlot world. Though we go out and cheat on God he is always sure in his heart that he will take us back and loves us. WE ARE LOVED. YOU ARE LOVED! I KNOW I AM LOVED!

God has showed me this year that everyone deserves a second chance. A real one a clean slate. Like one of those loves where it's like lets forget where we have been and start over and love. That what Jesus does he washes away your sins and loves you like your fresh white a snow  like nothing ever happened. Like you never played the harlot. Oneday since God took the time to help me, I will be a wife, I will be a mother, I will be able to love, and someone will love me back and actually stay!

                                                          

                                                                                            

I AM WORTHY TO BE LOVED NOT TO JUST BE THE HARLOT!

Worthy 

a : having worth or value

   

Joshua 6:22-25

²² But Joshua had said to the two men who had spied out the country, “Go into the harlot’s house, and from there bring out the woman and all that she has, as you swore to her.” ²³ And the young men who had been spies went in and brought out Rahab, her father, her mother, her brothers, and all that she had. So they brought out all her relatives and left them outside the camp of Israel. ²⁴ But they burned the city and all that was in it with fire. Only the silver and gold, and the vessels of bronze and iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the Lord. ²⁵ And Joshua spared Rahab the harlot, her father’s household, and all that she had. So she dwells in Israel to this day, because she hid the messengers whom Joshua sent to spy out Jericho.



You know why Joshua had told the spies to go back to the harlots house and to bring her out because she was worth saving! She was worth being showed she was worth God's love despite of where she had been. Jesus died for you on the cross because you may not be worthy of his love but you are worth it. He see's you as valuable, he see's you as someone worth saving, someone worth redemption, someone worth love! The city and everything in the city was burned down, everything had to go but the harlot Rahab! 

There was a woman Mary Magdalene in the bible (Luke 7:36-50) who brought he alabaster box to Jesus. Yes she was a prostitute but she was bringing all she had to Jesus and Jesus accepted it. Everyone around her mocked and made remarks but Jesus understood what she was doing she was laying everything at his feet which was nothing but what she probably had left. Her tears and her alabaster box. Jesus stood up for her though everyone mocked her, he accepted what she had to offer though other's thought it was a waste, he for gave her didn't turn her away! Because she was worth it he knew that because her debt was so large her love and greatfulness would be to.Luke 7:47 Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.” Jesus thinks your worth it, don't listen to the mockers, don't listen to the crowd just keep loving Jesus! No matter where you have been! Your worthy to be to receive Gods love!