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You can't try to love What you hate!

                  You can't try to love 

What you hate!


  1. hate
    hāt/
    verb
    1. 1.
      feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

    1 John 3:15 

    Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him




    I wish this was easy to even talk about! I mean a year ago God told me you never know unless you try. I mean I hated men. So call me a murderer for hating my brother. I have to repent. He said Jaz someone loves you and i laughed inside only you love me Lord. To me men just want sex. I don't care if you were a good man to me it didnt matter! I didnt care if you never tried to sleep with me. I still saw thru your facade. I know HATE is such a strong word yet knowing that look where you are just a piece of meat. Oh i know it well. Being a teen prostitute oh you know those guys, that stare, those thoughts they think. That it is just lust. Then when they use you up they throw you away like you are nothing.THE HATEwas like so thick within me! Pick my mind, get to know me, understand that I am a smart young woman! No that never happens not in my world its like they want you to play dumb for their satisfaction or make you look dumb. So you start questioning yourself.  I couldn't even bare to even think of ever wanting to be in love. Haha you can't try to love what you hate!


          Just Try to Love Past 
    Your Fears!


    try


    1. 1.
      make an attempt or effort to do something.


    1 John 4:18

     There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

    I remember putting heart on the line. I told you God, I don't want to do this anymore. The past year i spent single because I walked in on the guy I was seeing in bed with some girl. I cut off all my hair because of the shock of what happened. What the heck. I'll never do this again I told myself after that day! So then a year later God approached me Jaz try again! You never know unless you try. How many time do you have to try and end up failing. Why don't you just let me quit and leave it alone. Oh that's not God. He told Hosea to go love his Harlot wife again after she cheated on him with other men. Fear is not even the word. Okay God i'll try because of you but I'm afraid. The fear got even greater when he told me who to try again with. So I said okay but God if I lose them like I always lose everyone its break my heart.



             Heal My Broken Heart!


    Psalm 147:3
    He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

    bro·ken-heart·ed
    adjective
    1.
    overwhelmed by grief or disappointment

    There I was God had given me a dream of him cheating. As I knocked on the door a girl opened. You must be his girlfriend I said. I figured we been dating for a year too but im not surprised I replied. He standing in a robe had to change so he closed the door. So I looked up at the sky with reply to God. God but you said! God but you told me. I put my heart out on the line. I told you i didnt want to lose my friend, I didnt want my heart broken by someone I care about. He came outside. Out of all people how could you. You know my story what ive been through. I've been trying to heal. We were suppose to get married. He said no not anymore. Then drove me to a hotel so I could leave because he had moved on. As sat in my room I wonder God really try again. Love past your fears. Trust you. Now you out of all the creator who knows everything told me to try again, told me who to try again with and now look at me. I got my heart broken this is not fixing it. I look stupid God, I told all my friend someone actually loved me. That I was going to married. I LOOK STUPID GOD! This is not fixing it!This is making it worst... Just heal my broken heart and leave it 





    Left With Nothing 


    2 sAMUEL 13:25

    15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”




    noth·ing



    1. having no prospect of progress



      Amnon got what he wanted then he left. He raped his sister then when he had her he didnt want her anymore. He hated her. YOU CAN'T LOVE WHAT YOU HATE! Then Tamar went home and layed in her brother Absalom house and remained desolate. Alone with nothing.  

      Life gets crazy when God himself tells you to try again after losing everything. Yet what hurts worst is losing someone you never thought you would. Or you never thought they do what they did to you. When you become the but end of everyone joke. Because you left college to follow Jesus. You got rid of everything that you have only to be left with NOTHING! You drop everything and fly around the country looking crazy.I dont know whose lives have changed but what i do know is my ministry is birthed through pain. Its like going through a long labor and when your done there is no baby. 80 hours a week on 4 hours of sleep. Nothing to show on my end.  You know how hard I tried to stand up for Jesus without sleeping around. And every time I get cheated on! No one waits.NOT IN THIS SICK PERVERTED SOCIETY.i AM LEFT WITH NOTHING. IM IN THE SAME STATE I WAS A YEAR AGO WHEN GOD TOLD ME TO TRY AGAIN. I GUESS I AM A MURDERER. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TRY TO LOVE WHAT YOU HATE! LORD FORGIVE ME!

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